you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
