I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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