I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
