The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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