Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
