omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
