Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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