I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
