When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
it was like eating out sand paper
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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