You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
