Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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