I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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