I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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