also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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