I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
