he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
