Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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