I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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