Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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