I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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