Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We have started to decorate penises.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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