Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
