so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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