I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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