That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
