So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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