My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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