Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize