Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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