Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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