A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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