I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
