Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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