I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize