i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
