No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
