How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
