I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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