How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize