I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
