the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
