Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
