my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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