Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
