I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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