Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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