i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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