oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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