Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
