Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I look better un-naked...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
