It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
