Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Randomize
