I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
