I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
