how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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