i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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