Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
