No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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