mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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